A new beginning

Graduation is today, Finally!

And I'm kinda scared about the future.
I'm afraid to leave my old friends, even though I'm not going anywhere.
But everything else is wonderful,
I'm Blissfully happy.


And I'm going to take one day at a time.
Like Shrek said
Life's like an onion, you peel off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.

Matt 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Cut and Paste life

I'm getting a new tattoo...!!! ballin' !!!


Tyler's going to draw this one as well.
It's going to be a Japanese Cherry Blossom Tree on my right rib cage.


Its a Mixture of this
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3213/2907961468_c36f694ec8.jpg
http://scarekrowe.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/100_0305.jpg

I'm not exactly sure when in going to get started. but... I'm excited.

And praise be to God that I'm actually graduating.

And I'm believing In Him now, I do believe that everything in the bible came from God, and Jesus spoke the words that were written, and I'm living by this....
so No worries baby

Well....

In about 6 hours. My mind has been changed.

I was reading that thick book I was talking about.

And I've decided, I am going to be Baptized again, I was once a Christian, and now I'm a lost sinner, and I want to be a guided sinner once again.

So when the time comes...
I will renew my faith.

Heaven, Hell, or Tree?

Religion

It's the one discussion at the dinner table that every family can have and does have.
Some people can't wrap their minds around how there could ever be no God.
Some, the opposite, and don't have faith because they need reason.

When I was 14 I got baptized at New Temple Baptist.
And I followed God and spread His word to as many people as I could.
All for a little over a year.
And I strayed away.

16-18 I was gullible towards religion, if it seemed interesting, possible, or just out of this world, i believed it.
I was Agnostic, I made blasphemous jokes constantly, it's who I became.

Now, I'm no where near that, I still can't wrap my mind around God.
My prayers still begin with "Lord, or whatever is out there listening"
But I want to believe.
I just don't have faith.

But then, how can I have faith in something that I don't know.
I've never read the bible, I don't go to church enough to hear the Truth.
And I think it's time for a change. Time to pick up a very thick book with very thin pages and just dig deep, and know that He has always been there, and He will always be there.

A girl, who I adore with my whole heart, is my concrete slab, my foundation on finding the Truth and learning.
And If I could see her everyday to say thank you, I would.
But since I can't, I will find the truth and live by it, to show her that I do thank her.

____________________________________________________________________

As stated above, I have been Baptized, But I hear I am to be Re-Baptized.
I find this Sacrilegious. Baptism is a sacred and holy thing, there are no restart buttons or Do overs.

So I'm here to say, I'm not getting Baptized again.
I will confess and repent.

Hopefully the Lord agrees.

Over?!

Graduation is just around the corner.
and im actually going to graduate.
Surprise!!

But it brings out so many emotions all at once.
Sadness, happiness, frustration, fear, excitement, and so on.

I wanna scream joy, punch walls, and cry.

I'm not leaving, in fact im going to a community college 10 minutes from my house.
but the friends I have and I have made this year are leaving.

and that sucks...

so...im chilling out.. drinking a monster at tylers..

im unbelievably happy...

endorphins pumping like crazy. lifes greats..

and im tired of people crying about how their year got ruined because of a show

or a girl, or anything, lifes to short to complain...

So...
For the past 5 or 6 months.... I haven't been me...
I've been the sad, depressed, drug addicted, alcohol abusive, psychosomatic piece of crap that hides deep deep down inside.

Screw it.

I'm not that.

Time has proven me to be so much more.
I could Burn this world down with one match
all because of what?
Because I let my emotions get a hold of me, control me, make my life miserable?

Again
Screw it.

I want anyone who reads this to understand what I now understand.

No one... and I mean NO ONE

No one will ever make or break me.

Delerium

sdfud m, l;

I hate everything... life
people...
i just wanna beat up everything and then cry

3:59 am

I currently need scissors to cut out pictures for my anatomy project.
Scissors got me thinking.
Cutting shapes, manipulating objects to piece where I want them to.

Manipulation.

Its such a wicked trick you can't even tell when you yourself is doing it.

I've bent people, molded lies, reshaped truths so many times, I don't even know what the real truth is anymore.
How many people have manipulated me? How many are now?
How many people do I have to get to help me manipulate one lie to cover another?

I am not a Jack of all trades.
All I am is a skilled blacksmith.
And all I make: Swords, Knives, Daggers.
Weapons to tear through flesh and get to the center.
Weapons deadlier than any Gun.
I carry a mouthful of Sharp Lies.
That would pierce through any armor in their path.
I hate what I have become, but I love what I have made myself.
I apologize for the wars I created. The enemies made.
but I cannot help it.

I am the Jack of Blades

Harvest Moon

it was you who started this all
with your "confusion"

so I was pushed away.
all I wanted was an explanation
and you told me to leave you alone for now and you would get back to me.

So I did

Then out of the blue. after I put some lovely art on my side.
you want me back?
and of course I take you back. I love you.
Things were great that day.

~flash back.........~

Cold and raining.
You were in a red sweater.
There was tension. A lot.
I kissed your cold wet lips
you kissed back then ran...
upset.

~end flash back......~

the day after I take you back.
I get a call.
"I can't date you, My daddy won't allow it."
the things you told him.
true then.... not now....


the next day.....
you received a romance letter from ..anonymous.. in your car window

there was still hope for love.

as more and more of these letters were made... so was a note book.... so was more romance.
in a very non-romantic place. behind a broken piano in an old theatre.

but still hope.

then YOU said no more.
you said never again.
ever.

so I was forced to move on, but failed miserably
I tried to lust my way out of you with someone else. and failed.

When I knew there was no way I could get over you.
I tried for you again. but I had to tell you of my lustful ways.
I couldn't keep that from you. Even tho i had every right.

You told me it was fine.

So I came closer.

You kissed my best friend and you kissed my enemy.
and still I have hope.

You fear me? You should fear yourself.
I am not the enemy. and i will never hurt you.

stick your head under the guillotine
my neck is on that wood too baby...

the thing is, we are holding the rope.

and I will never let go with you beside me.
Ill never let go of you.

Ill never let go of the moon.
The park
Sarah bareilles
Rent
Vanilla lotion
Muah
slobber
collar bone
the piano
moshi moshi
grigg
the edge of your porch just below eyesight
lasertag
tannehill
atrox
red dots
one lil black dot
watching troy in the basement
rooftop and in a window ring any bells?
old stage
dorothy and scarecrow
hayride
breaking the ice with you
chocolate and the moon at bevill
fear of ducks
flaming speakers

I want more of these times.

We've had our fair share of mess ups.
But didn't help to realize that we do love each other.

That we do want to fight for each other.
All I have done for the past 2 months is try make things right
not just for us. but for me too. with church and me wanting to change the world.
but you keep me swimming in a sea of doubt
let me on the boat, don't let me drown. lets take this ship to land together.

and let the anchor down.... if you know what i mean.. jk jk

Don't let me be.. just the first.
everything i have is on the line
every hope
every thought
every emotion
every wrong
every right

I am completely open
no shield
no wall
no armor

just flesh and bone

be vulnerable with me

I won't let you down
you just have to believe in that

I know its hard.
and its stupid to do because I could just disappoint you again.

But just be vulnerable with me
be with me

cause I will be everything you want me to be and more.

I can't stand to see you walk away. well..i like to watch it..but.............. emotionally...i can't stand it.





I am completely in love with you. I can’t sleep when I think about you because I want to keep thinking about you, and when I do sleep I dream about you. I spend everyday in fear that you are going to tell me that we are only going to be friends, because I will never be just your friend. I will always be in love with you. I take every second I am given with you to try and get you to fall in love with me after the stupid things I have done. I am afraid to be hurt by you just as you are afraid to be hurt by me. Don’t give up on me. I’ve torn down every wall to let you in. Have a seat on the couch, relax, take your shoes off, I’m never going anywhere as long as you hold on to me. Just do the same for me. Let me in. Lets take our torn down walls and build a mansion together. A world together. A life together. Breathe my breaths with me. Pump my blood with your heart. Come back.